How To: Slow Dance

While it's a rite of passage among teens, actually learning how to slow dance is no longer done in classes or learned from older siblings as it used to be. If you keep some tips for when the tempo and lights go down in mind, slow dancing will be something to be anticipated, not dreaded.

There are two important things to slow dancing: intimacy and respect. These two qualities make it an unforgettable, and bonding, experience. Lacking either, it's just another dance. The good news is that there are specific elements of actual physicality and movement that foster qualities.

More important than the actual steps to the dance is the way you hold your partner. Slow songs are a signal for the dancers to dance closer to one another and to hold each other. It's a two-person dance, rather than the groups formed in disco or country line dancing. Being willing to be closer to your partner helps establish that unique, intimate environment that is the whole purpose of learning how to slow dance.

At the same time, there are very clear places for the hands to hold your partner, handed down from classic dances such as the waltz and the tango. While you don't have to be completely formal, you should limit your hand contact to the following:

• the back above the waist
• the shoulders
• the hands

Both partners in the dance should always be aware of where their own hands are, and not overstep these bounds.

One of the pressures of slow dancing is knowing how to be engaging. Remember, this is the time for the two of you to create your own special bubble of reality, so make sure your focus is on your partner. This is not the time to be chatting with other people on the dance floor, nor should you be scoping out the other dancers to try and decide who you'd like to dance with next. That's what peripheral vision is for; it's much better to keep your eyes on your partner's face. Not necessarily directly in their eyes, because that kind of direct stare can be unnerving, but it's possible that the environment and emotions will lead to a locked gaze between the two of you that is more intimate than a kiss.

Avoid at all costs looking down at a woman's chest – a mistake that can be entirely innocent as you try to avoid too much eye contact, but can easily be misinterpreted and experienced as rude. Likewise, a woman looking only at a man's chest can make her seem uninterested.

Low conversation is certainly appropriate. Pick easy topics, small talk, compliments – this is not the time for a heated political discussion. Some ideas for what to talk about could be:

• Complimenting the partner on their outfit
• Talking about the song, and asking your partner their opinion of it (and other music they like)
• Discussing the meal you had or are going to have, or the general tenor of the party

Avoid bragging or talking a lot about yourself – you'll sound most intelligent if you ask leading questions (that can't be answered "yes" or "no") and then shut up and listen to their reply.

The fact is, unless you're doing an actual ballroom dance, the steps are the least important part of how to slow dance. Just keep your feet close to the floor (to avoid stepping on your partner) and move them very slowly to the rhythm of the music. If you're not sure of the rhythm, then you need to do two things: one, follow your partner's body movement (so that at worst you're both off the rhythm but in sync with each other) and two, go home and play some music with a strong beat so that you can learn to follow the rhythm.

Some slow dances, such as the Argentinian tango, almost ignore the rhythm in favor of the connection between the dancers. If you can master that interplay of intimacy and respect, there will be more people who want to dance with you than there are slow songs during the night.

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